Favourite Mistake Haptic Loss of Love

Favorite Mistake Haptic Loss of Love 

Is there a mistake you’ve made that turned out to be a blessing — or otherwise changed your life for the better? Tell us all about it.

For me, it was the choice to love even though it was not returned in the same way. Having known these feelings is enough for me. Therefore, it was a happy mistake. As in Sylvia Plath’s Mad Girl’s Love Song:

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

Yes. This is how it feels, like home, a place of birth, a wonderousness.

and then she says:

“I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

Yes. The loss of closeness is the hardest part. The blessing is, that I feel that it was real, tactile, haptic, embodied.

This is the blessing, having known this. It is enough.

In Plath’s words from the Love Song:

‘I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed, And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane’.

Or in my daughter’s words, from various of her poems: 

“Jasmine scents followed me down wintered streets…

I would see the skeletons behind your words…

We are like a quiet juxtaposition of objects, awkward, like my sense of direction…

We find it difficult not to disgrace the days with memories of past hours…

I live on a diet of starlight and soap, scrubbing my elbows everyday everyday…

I am drenched and steeped in oceanic regret…

some creature who could not see with bees in my heart…with all the distance my fathers had given me…

We are visceral, the noise of you breathes with the sound of me…

You were not a mine and I was not a yours…”

(Poetry by Amber Knox and part of “Pragmatics”, choreographed by Sacha Knox and performed at the JOMBA! Contemporary Dance Fringe in 2010, Durban, South Africa). Review: Pragmatics, choreographed by Sacha Knox, was a brave examination of the extent to which our identities are influenced by others, with a strongly autobiographical undercurrent.

Another review from An African Anthology by Lauren Jones:

“UKZN student dancer-choreographer Sacha
Knox’s “Pragmatics” was a thought-provoking
revelation. Dancers Julia Wilson and Sizwe Zulu were
contained in their own tiny pool of light as Knox’s
voice-over related a haunting poem which amplified
the complexities of human relationships. Both
together and apart, the dancers appeared to wrestle
with themselves until, in a chilling and breathtaking
moment, Knox herself emerged completely nude
from the now visible tin bath on stage and began
to wash a stack of white plates. Her artistic courage
added yet another honest, autobiographical layer to
an already heart-rending piece.”

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